my phone broke the other day, so i just got a new one last night. its better than my old one, has a camera so that excites me.

so anyone who's phone number i had before, give me your number again.
mine's the same.

gotta go to court on monday... ick. wish me luck.

i cannot wait for this semester to be over. i need a break from school. and from driving back and forth every single day.

it was so nice out today, and that made me incredibly happy. funny how much of an affect the weather can have on my mood.

april 13th... dane cook!!! hell yes :) im excited!

i started working at applebees again. just figured it would be easier to go back there. the only thing is i have to try and find something either smaller or clear to put in my eyebrow. or just wait a while and see if paul ever says anything about it again.

yesterday, adam was tryng to get me to get drunk with him and sleep at his house sometime soon. what an idiot. he didnt understand why i wouldnt either... *sigh*
and then he argued with me forever about why it should be ok for me to do that. and you know what his reasoning was? that i cheated on him with mark... !!! what?! lol. that doesnt make any sense. so that means i should potentially cheat on bill with him? yeah, ok...

stupid people.

:)

so i got suspended from housing for the rest of this semester. but thats what i expected to happen. i am also on probation through next year, and i have to go to some counseling. which is lame but whatever.

last weekend, i did shrooms for the first time. i was slightly nervous but i only did half an eighth. and it was pretty awesome, i enjoyed it and didnt freak out at all. next time i'd definitely want to do more.

i have to sign up for housing today for next semester... which sucks because i dont even wanna live on campus again. matt and i were talking about getting an apartment together, but now he doesnt wanna do it yet. money issues. maybe second semester though? but i have no idea where im going to live. preferably in the same building as matt, for convenience, which is why were going to sign up together. but who knows whats still going to be open. because its the last day you can sign up. haha. im such a slacker/procrastinator. thats the only reason i came to school today, was to do that. im skipping both of my classes. but mostly so that i can help matt write these two abnormal psych papers. well... im doing more than helping. im actually writing them. but i dont mind, because its pysch. and i could probably write about it forever.

i was arguing with my dad yesterday about people with piercings. he claimed that if he was at a restaurant and he got a server with a piercing on their face, he would tip them less. i said thats absolutely ridiculous. he was like "well, it would be too rude to ask for another server" i dont understand what his problem his. he said he just thinks its "disgusting".... so that means they deserve less of a tip? ugh he makes me angry. so close-minded. no one's asking you to like it, but dont treat someone less just because of it.

im so sick of living at my house too. again. its funny because i'll be gone at school and forget how much i hated it. my mom's usually ok... but she thinks she's going through menopause. so she's all moody and bitchy a lot of times. and when she gets like that, she likes to criticize me a lot. she told me i was sleazy the other day. because i sleep at bill's house. he's my boyfriend!! if i was sleeping over at some guy's house all the time who wasnt my bf, that MIGHT be considered sleazy. but come on. she's one of the very few people that can actually hurt my feeling by criticizing me. *sigh*

its been awhile.

recap:

-doug and i broke up (because bill kissed me)
-bill and i are together now
-kiley has issues with it because she's jealous of him spending all his time with me now
-mark just has issues with bill in general. and because he's jealous that him and kiley are so close
-way too much drama in that situation
-i got arrested last week. for paraphenelia
-and i'll prolly get kicked out of my dorms for it. gotta go to a hearing next tuesday

i think thats all the big events lately.

here's what sucks.
i find that i cant sleep without smoking before going to bed.
so the past two nights, i havent slept more than an hour.
and i hate it.
im not quite sure though if its due to not smoking or if its because of my depressive phases, in which my sleep patterns do change according to that. along with my appetite. which is also changing.
and with all the stress factors lately, its very possible that im going into a depressive phase.

damn you insomnia

so i finally got matt to realize that he is way too critical of my friends when he first meets them. well, a lot of my friends anyway. ok, i guess its mostly guys that try to get close to me. he will immediately judge them and look for ways to make them look bad to me. i started realizing this more and more once i started hanging out with bill, and matt would constantly criticize him when he wasnt around, but he didnt have any valid points at all. he had no good reasons for not liking him. so what bill and i think is that he feels threatened and is worried that someone else is going to take his place as my best friend. it was funny too because after we talked about it then i started paying more attention to the way he acts around bill, and it was very obvious.

anyway i talked to him about it, and i think he's gotten a lot better. around bill at least. i dunno about anyone else. plus now that he got to know him better, i think he realizes that bill has good intentions and is not trying to fuck with me.

so apparently matt met this girl kendall? i think her name was, thats in one of his classes, and she smokes, so were supposed to go over to her apartment later today and smoke/chill with her. sounds cool to me, im always up for gaining more smoking buddies, especially around here where theres not too many people to smoke with. it would also be nice to find a source out here, so i dont have to drive all the way home everytime i wanna buy weed.

not that i will be buying weed very much anymore. at least for the time being, until i get another job... if im going to. yeah i got fired from friday's. but its not like it wasnt expected or i didnt deserve it lol. i just didnt like that place enough to have motivation to show up. its crappy money, not even worth going a lot of times. so whatever, i dont really care. im not usually a bad employee though... i wouldnt do that at applebees lol. anyway they were cool about it though and said that i can still use them as references and they'll still put in a good word for me.

and bill's also coming down here at some point today. ive been seeing a lot of him lately... but my time with him is always enjoyable. he intrigues me... and also reminds me of myself in a lot of ways. we both agreed that we are a lot alike. i dont know, i just never get bored of talking to him. and he's very open and honest, and i love when people are like that.

some people think that there's a point where you can be TOO honest, where it turns into a bad thing. but i disagree. yeah it can be hurtful if people are using the truth in a malicious manner, but that has nothing to do with level of honesty. the only problem is that a lot of people rely too much on the opinions of others, so if the truth is a negative thing to someone, then it could be considered "bad" to be too truthful. but really whats bad is the fact that someone cares so much about what another person thinks that they are becoming distraught over someone pointing out possible flaws in themself... or whatever the truth may be. instead of getting offended and insulted, why not take it into consideration and try to better yourself from it?

i suppose some people just cant handle it, which is a shame. because i wish everyone could be a lot more truthful.

interestingly, kiley wants us to be friends. we were talking the other day, she realized how stupid it is that we have so much tension between us and how its putting stress on me, her, and mark. so, she was being nice to me. and i think wants to make a sincere effort to do so. which is cool, whatever. im at the point where i dont care about them anymore. after drama with mark the past couple days i stopped caring about them.

so her, mark, and bill came down here last night and we got blazed and played some poker with matt. it was fun. kiley was being slightly bitchy, but not really to me. mostly to matt, haha. although he was being quite annoying so i could see where it was coming from. the only thing that bothered me was that she was being controlling, and then there was one point that matt wanted to smoke and everyone said they did except kiley. and when mark said he would, kiley kind of gave him a dirty look and said that she really didnt want to. and guess what happened? mark changed his mind, and said he didnt feel like going anywhere either. lame.

i seem to have lost my wallet. it really sucks. especially since i JUST recently got a new debit card from losing it before, so it'll be pretty lame if i have to get another new one already. the only thing is that it might be in doug's car. i hope it is. we shall find out tonight!

he's bringing back supposedly awesome weed from oregon too :) im excited and cant wait to try it. although we'll see how it stands up to the hawaiin weed that matt and i got the other day for FREE! it was really good and tasted delicious. plus it was free, how much better can it get?

pretty tired... time to nap

the weekend was fun, as usual. matt and i picked up doug from the airport on friday, went out to eat at olive garden. being stoned, matt was ridiculous and paranoid as usual. he was so worried about sitting in a restaurant with people around us. i dont think he's as used to being high all the time as i am. for me its much more normal so i dont mind going out in public.

anyway we tried to hang out with mark. but he was at bill's and probably not getting reception, therefore not getting my calls. and as soon as he wasnt answering, i knew it was going to turn into some kind of drama. because i knew that he was going to be all upset that i "didnt call him," and i would try and tell him that i did call him, but of course since he didnt get my calls he wouldnt believe me and blame it on me. and thats exactly what happened because thats what always happens, and i hate it because i know already that he's going to be upset but i cant do anything about it! and you'd think after this many times of it happening, maybe he'd actually start to believe me?

then he tells me that he's upset because i wont make any effort to be good friends with him and hang out with him very much. he understands that its really hard for me, but he says it just really sucks that he never gets to see me. ok...
i dont think that i make any less of an effort to hang out than he does. in fact, most of the time that we try and make plans is usually by my initiation. and i understand that he is making more of an effort in the aspect of being ok with me and doug and being able to be around me and doug. thats fine. but him and kiley is a little bit of a different situation. first of all... doug didnt ever treat mark like shit and make him feel like he's not good enough for me. as kiley did to me. im sorry that i dont like being around someone thats pretty much a bitch to me...

you know... i dont even feel like continuing that topic. its just bullshit and is going to put me in a bad mood to talk about.

so yeah. we had a poker game here at school on saturday night. it was me, doog, matt, heather, colleen, gregg, denis, and andy! im pretty sure coll won... but i definitely dont remember much about it. fun times... i was blazed before we even started playing and we had beer and matt and i boxed so i pretty much got fucked up. i realized that i need to stop getting stoned and drunk, because it really just makes me feel like shit. i get dizzy and things start spinning and i feel like i have no control over my basic motor functions sometimes. and it is not a good feeling. and i actually got sick that night. so no more excessive smoking and drinking. either just one, or if im going to do both, im gonna try and keep it in moderation. try. haha. we'll see how well that works.

i decided to be a bum today and not go to my classes. its really bad, because i just have absolutely no motivation sometimes to get out of bed. thats why i stopped going to 2 of my classes last semester. no reason in particular... my laziness just takes control of me. i cannot let it happen again this semester!

shower time...

matt and i had ourselves an adventure today! lol

we went to some little park in joliet and took pictures of us playing on the playground and next to some weird, mosaic statue thing. it was fun!

then, bored once again, i spontaneously had the idea of getting my eyebrow pierced. ive been wanting to do it for a while, just never did. so we ventured out to orland because we heard there was a place out there by the mall. no such luck. not only was there not a place there... but it took us over an hour to find the mall, when it shouldve only been about 30 mins. stupid people do not know how to give directions!

anyway we got back and found a place in joliet so i went and got it done! :)
its exciting.
it hurt, but it wasnt too bad.
pictures will hopefully be posted soon. as soon as i get them.

now for laundry and then bed! sweet

i had 3 classes today. the first one, the message of jesus... ugh, i know im not going to like that class. not only because of the subject matter but also because the teacher is some really old brother, he seems very conservative and was like "im not interested in your opinions or beliefs, i just want to make sure you understand my beliefs." he also seemed like he was sexist. i dont think im going to like him very much.

then i have macroeconomics with the connections crew! it might be an interesting class... who knows. seems difficult. but with connections it will be fun no matter what

philosophy of science... i think will be very interesting. plus hoppe is pretty cool. she's strange, definitely, but cool. and what i like about that class is that there is only 8 people in it.

getting up early again definitely sucks! 830 on tues/thurs and 8 on mon/wed/fri!

shitty

saturday = one of the best days i have had in a looong time.

doug, dave (not the weird one), and i met matt at his house and then headed over to the hookah bar. we had smoked a bowl on the way to matt's, because matt wasnt supposed to be smoking, but then he ended up giving in later on haha. but we got there and met some of his friends there. it only cost $10 per person and we could smoke as much as we wanted. we had strawberry and orange flavored, they were pretty good. i think we were there for like 3 hours. heather showed up with a bunch of people but left right away because there was too many people there. lame!

we also took another bowl smoking break while we were there. it was a lot more interesting to be in there high. they had some pretty crazy arabian techno music or something. it was sweet.

after that, doug, dave, and i went to blake's house for his 21st birthday party. i didnt drink very much but i still got drunk because i was already pretty high. and i proceeded to get more and more high as the night went on. ian got wasted. WASTED. he was throwing up like all night. he was pretty funny when he wasnt puking though.

doug and i ended up sleeping there... in blake's bed... with blake and his gf, jackie. it was an interesting night to say the least! crazy/fun times were had for sure. and more shall be had in the future as well!

playing poker at mark's the other night was fun too. it wasnt TOO awkward being around him and kiley... probably thanks to doug being there :)

he makes me smile. and he is such a sweetheart!

dave, on the other hand, got weird and upset when i told him about me and doug. he was acting very dramatic about it, much like steve! in fact, sometimes he reminds me a lot of steve. and that is not something that i wanna have to deal with again!

well, overall, i havent been this happy in a long time :)

so mark and kiley are dating now... yeah, who didnt see that coming. at least ive gotten to the point where i dont care, i accepted a long time ago that it was going to happen.

besides, ive been doing pretty good anyway. doug asked me out. on new years eve :) actually it was like 3 am so technically new years day. and whats weird is kiley and mark started dating on the same day.... *spooky*

im excited for the rest of this week. tomorrow night were having a poker game at mark's house with me, him, doug, probably kiley, matt, heather and brandon hopefully, and whoever else we can get to come. then saturday night me, doug, matt, heather, brandon, vanessa maybe, etc. are going to a hookah bar. which i am excited for because ive never been to one and i heard theyre pretty cool.

ive been working so much lately! but i dont mind it. i like being there and its pretty good money.

i went to the 'bees yesterday to talk to the manager. he immediately gave me 8 shifts this week!! nice! doubles tomorrow and thursday.

i love you applebees

what a relief. no more worrying about how im going to have money to buy people shit. and now my checking account is empty.. actually even worse. its overdrawn. and i lost my debit card AGAIN... haha. i hate myself.

xmas was alright. i got a bunch of clothes, many from hollister so that makes me happy. i know, im ashamed of my hollister obsession, but what can i say. i love it.

and my parents got me the 10 CD Zeppelin box set. also exciting.

and now im going shopping with my mom which probably means shes going to be buying me a lot more clothes :)

and today i MUST go to applebees and find out what the fuck is going on. i better be getting shifts this week or im going to be pissed. not only do i desperately need money but i also really miss working :( and ive only been home for a week!

i cant even stand all this bullshit going on with kiley and mark. its ridiculous and thats all i can say about it anymore.

i feel like she's trying to compete with me on who spends more time with mark.
because it seems like since ive been back, she has made an attempt to constantly be around him. i mean, even more than before. and if he's with me, she tries to get him away from me.
it's just all so childish and i hate more than anything people that just like to fuck with other people's heads.

god dammit.

i try so hard to not let things get to the point of drama.
i hate drama.
and i hate people.
(with the exception of a select few)

well, i just presented my last final, now i have to write a paper, email it to my teacher, and go home. although i might just go home now and do the paper tomorrow morning. we'll see if i feel like doing it after lunch.

drama with me and mark is at a peak... again...

its not really fighting this time though so much as him just realizing that we need to be friends for awhile before we can ever be together. basically because the reason that we cant not be together is that he is afraid of what will happen if he loses me. so he thinks he needs to let go of our relationship for awhile, so that there is no unknown for him to be afraid of...

i am so incredibly sick of the whole back and forth thing between us that i dont even know what to do anymore. but i guess all i can do is sit back and accept what is happening. and watch him get closer and closer to kiley while i become more and more distant. and on top of that im pretty sure that kiley wants mark to have nothing to do with me. so i am slightly worried about her becoming controlling of him, especially if they were to date, because thats how she is.

why am i even talking about this?
its depressing me.
i dont need to be depressed.
im almost done with school bullshit for a whole month.
and im going home.
although going home is not as exciting as it was, because i was really looking forward to getting to see mark everyday.
but now its going to be seeing mark sometimes, and then sitting home alone most other times because he's busy spending so much time with her.

fuck.
im just going to get high everyday.
and not think about anything.

so i just got done taking a cultural diverity final. it was surprisingly easy. surprisingly because after a while i barely ever went to class anymore lol.

i think i might fail ethics though. but my teacher is an idiot.

the weekend was good. went home friday night, mark and i hung out at drew's all night, mouse made jungle juice! it was delicious and very strong, i got wasted after like 3 cups haha... but i was also smoking a lot too.

saturday i worked and it was pretty damn slow! it sucked. i only made $50. i came back to school, smoked 2 joints with mike, who is actually a pretty cool guy even though i heard he was an asshole. then i drove home again. i was supposed to go that party with heather and vanessa, but mark didnt feel like going anymore and he just wanted me to come home =/ but its alright. it was his birthday weekend so i wanted him to be happy :)

i felt really bad though cuz i couldnt get him anything for his birthday yet! he said he didnt care and he didnt want anything. and that he would be happy as long as he got to spend the day with me :) but i still felt bad! but my mom got him a present haha.

me and mark were also talking to my mom about smoking pot and whatnot and how i was really surprised that my dad hasnt said anything to me at all since he found out i smoked. but she was like well, whats he gonna say? its not like there's anything wrong with smoking pot. i was like... sweet.. lol. so im gonna see if she'll let us smoke at the house too. cuz it would be much better than driving around.

well... time to take a nap...

GRIFFINS= 2005 DODGEBALL CHAMPIONS!!!
yay!
i'm so proud of my boys! (and lisa)
haha

heather brought brandon out to the game too... and his brother and his gf.
theyre.. interesting. kind of weird. but brandon is a lot nicer than i expected him to be.
and he told me he was gonna buy me a bottle of jager when we go to the party this saturday! SWEET
free jager!
i love my life
haha

this semester is almost over and i CANNOT WAIT for break! for several reasons, really:
1. obviously, a month of no classes (glorious)
2. sleeping in every day
3. going back to APPLEBEE's which i am thoroughly excited for, for several reasons in itself
4. being able to sit around and smoke every day like over the summer :)
5. not having to see matt all the time every single day (haha)
6. getting to see mark every day! :)
7. oh, and of course, my baby, spike, i miss him :(

once again i skipped my classes today (except one) and slept all day...
i have become such a slacker.

or maybe its because im a stoner.

today was a surprisingly good day. i thought it was going to be bad. well, some of it was. mark's cousins were having a party last night so we went up there and got drunk. i wasnt really wasted or anything but i think i had like 4 different kinds of alcohol. so this morning i felt like SHIT

at first i just had a headache but i had to work at 1130 and as the day progressed.. i just felt more and more nauseas (sp?) but its weird because i barely ever get hangovers.

and i thought i was going to pass out if i didnt eat soon. so finally i got off, ate with josh, and then we drove around and smoked a couple joints. that made me feel a lot better. haha

i met his friend... joel or something? dont remember his name. but he was hot and im pretty sure he was hitting on me. lol. then me and josh smoked again without him.

mark called me while i was in the car and im pretty sure he was pissed or something. because i was hanging out with josh. ridiculous....

so i come back to school blazed as hell and take an amazing nap. get up, roll another joint and smoke with matt. and then watch donnie darko.

thats a pretty good day, i'd say. naps and pot smoking sessions galore

im going back to applebee's in 2 weeks! im excited. i went in the other day and talked to julie.. she's awesome! and she loves me. haha

homework?
more pot smoking?

so ive realized in the past few days that i am not good enough for mark. i seriously dont even understand why he's with me anymore. all i do is make him unhappy... he told me that he was unhappy because he thinks that i am unhappy with us. and that its his fault.

im not! i tried to tell him so many times but he does not believe me. he knows how i am... i get in extremely depressed moods sometimes, not for any particular reason. i just feel like shit sometimes.

and he knows i have tried so hard lately to change for him. i really did try, and i think that i have changed somewhat, i just cant do it overnight.

but in the meantime he's just getting more miserable. i can tell when i talk to him that he is... he just doesnt sound the same when he talks to me anymore... and when im around him he seems so much more distant...

and i feel like complete shit right now. i dont know what to do. all i want is for him to be happy.

but it seems like no matter how hard i try, its never going to be good enough.

so i dont know why he doesnt just break up with me and find someone that is good enough for him.

i would rather be miserable without him than have him be miserable with me.

break has been good...

a lot of sitting around smoking, which i missed very much. i have come to really enjoy just sitting around at drew's, bullshitting and smoking bowls. plus those guys are awesome. even mouse... as much as i used to think he was just ridiculous, i am becoming very fond of him. hahaha

anyway, thats all we did wednesday night. thursday, thanksgiving, was fairly uneventful. just my family eating dinner. then mark and i were looking for weed but no one was answering their phone for a while. so we smoked with jon, finally drew called us back. so of course what did we do... go over to drew's and sit there and smoke lol.

matt came up on friday night. mark was delivering until 1 so we didnt have much to do except drive around and smoke. we were trying to find people to smoke with but no luck. and i even called doug! so now he cant say that i never call when im home!
mark got off work, brought kiley over to his house.... then he got a call asking if he could go deliver a couple more so we were just gonna smoke on the way but kiley left because she "felt sick". honestly i think she just does not want to hang out with me. mark doesnt believe me of course. but he also doesnt see the way she talks to me sometimes and makes me feel like shit. i'll admit, with mark hanging out with her SO much, i am kinda worried that she's going to talk him into believing that im not good enough for him. cuz im pretty sure she thinks that. just by the way she talks to me about him and the way she implies that its my fault that we have issues sometimes. whatever. its not like i care what she says, i just know how she is and i dont really want to be around her that much cuz she's always been a shitty person to me. but with mark hanging out with her every fucking day i probably wont have much of a choice. unless she keeps avoiding me like this hahaha.

then matt and heather both came up last night. we were trying to get a poker game together but by the time they were here it was probably too late. and we didnt have any chips lol. so we smoked a lot. lol i definitely smoked a lot last night. ellie, jon, zack, and eventually kyle came over to marks. i was so tired though after smoking that much.

i have to do this fucking presentation for mind altering drugs for tomorrow. it sucks i dont wanna do any homework! blah

i dont even wanna go back to school